Starting Out: History, coming clean, and the truth of a world that no one sees

When i set out on this journey of self discovery, I never imagined that I'd end up getting answers to every question. I expected to be stuck in the same cycle, forever on spin, never winding down to a conclusion. However, when I finally opened my eyes to the truth, I felt the dizzying sensations cease, and a new world opening before my eyes. For the first time in many years, I saw the sun, and it was the most beautiful thing I beheld. I could feel the warmth of its rays, and the joy radiating from within. What I didn't count on, and what I'm most grateful for, were all the hands reaching out to help pull me to the surface. Countless voices called out to me, telling me that none of what I'd been through was my fault, and that I was as wonderful a person as I'd always believed myself to be. They took me in and comforted me, listened to my story, and set me on the path I should have been on before now. I can finally speak out and say, "I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother, and I am a survivor". I still live at home, and endure daily abuse at the hands of my narcissistic mother, or rather, by her mouth. The following is just a small list of what I've been told since I was old enough to think and do for myself: -I'm ungrateful because I don't defend her to her enemies, including my father. -I'm selfish because I don't turn over every dollar, get rid of my friends, and give up going places, just so i can sit at home and cater to her every desire. -I'm inconsiderate because I don't ask if she has anything going on before I make plans to do something for me, or when I don't pawn my possessions to help her out when she hasn't paid the bills. (Truth be told, I have nothing left to sell. I've already sold my game systems, my cd's, movies, games, electronics, and pawned everything I owned). -To never have kids because I'd be a drain on the government system. -That I'm lying about her to seek attention and love from those around me, and how she's going to start telling people how I "really am". Funny thing is, I've been on Discord with my friends, and they've heard what she's said to me. As well, every single night I hear how I don't do anything to help around the house, and she does everything for everyone; how she's so put upon, and she's just going to leave us to take care of ourselves. To clarify on this; -She hasn't worked at a proper job since 2012 when her employer died of cancer. She was his caretaker and house cleaner. My father works 9-12 hours a day to pay all of her (and some of my) expenses. -On days when she "doesn't feel well" or "hurts too bad to move", it's left up to me to clean the house, make dinner, take care of the animals, and make sure my father has what he needs for work and when he gets home. There are days she will only get out of bed to get food and drink, as well as use the bathroom. She only showers once a week. -Her job at home consists of laundry, making sure the bills are paid, taking my father and I where we need to go (working on getting my license), making sure the house is clean, and he has food when he gets home. There was a span of three years where my father and I ate nothing but TV dinners because she was killing herself with cigarettes, and she didn't give a shit. Yet, despite this, having everything done for, and paid for her, she still sees fit to call us out like we're worthless, and we don't care a thing for her. We who have sacrificed time, money, prescription and over the counter medication, as well as our dignities to ensure she wasn't put on, do nothing, and she is the saint who should have a church named for her. I have lived this life since I can remember, and only now have I been able to see how brainwashed I've been. My father has, thankfully, become my ally. He wants me away from here, and to have a better life. She has told me that I can't have my own money or a place to live until she and my father get to a better home. She wouldn't be happy unless I was chained to the floor and forbidden to leave. She'd take away any contact with the outside world and make me her slave. How endearing of my "loving mother", is it not? I hide behind a mask, and no one knows of my life. I dare not speak it because I'm ashamed of the time I've wasted. But now, I fight back. Every hurtful and disdainful word is fire back at her, making her feel as low I do. Every insult is hurled back with facts of her behavior, and she's realizing the control she's lost. She remarked that ever since I became an admin of a Facebook group, I've changed. I told her, "No. it was the day I finally got sick your bullshit that I changed", and she had no response. It may seem childish, but it's what I must do to survive. One year from now, I plan to be gone, and I will never again look around for her. My name will be changed, old profiles and numbers deleted, and I will be free. This is my journey, my diary; the place where I can vent and speak freely without fear of persecution. Welcome to my world.